08272023

ive had a very good, very busy weekend! its my last week in the bay area since i move back home next saturday, so i wanted to make the most of my last oportunity to have some fun up here. i took the train to a lesbian day party at a bar in san fransisco where i met up with some friends ive made. it was really interesting, ive never been to a day party before, and despite being a pretty big dyke im not always super involved in irl queer spaces. im not sure ive ever been around so many other gay girls at once, it was awesome! saw multiple girls making out which made me a little emotional since im used to my sexuality having to be hidden and making me unsafe. ive been actually hatecrimed before, ive had to be careful in public with past girlfriends, and it was nice to know that there are placed lesbians can feel totally comfortable with pda like that :)

after the day party we got to a restaurant for dinner and a pregame....except i did not know that was in the plans and had inhaled a bunch of mcdonalds before i met up with everyone so i got a wonderful combination of black coffee and wine. it was still nice to be able to talk to everyone properly without having to shout over music to be heard and there is now a really really funny visual of a bunch of scientists all drinking wine at dinner discussing homestuck characters. may have found my niche of people here. after that we went to a lesbian bar which i also found really cool for the same reasons. it was a strip night so i got to see a bunch of gay stripper girls and throw money in the air so 10/10 no notes

we left at like midnight and the trains stopped and my friends didnt exactly want to drive me all the way back to my apartment so i ended up crashing at their place in this little nook theyve made. much more comfy than the couch i was expecting to be passing out on. they made me some coffee in the morning and we talked a bit before i took the train back to san fransico to go to an aquarium with my crush....who canceled on me. its not her fault!! she got sick the night before and obviously i dont want to force her to wander around a bunch when shes not feeling good, but still was kind of dissapointed. i get the feeling she at least wanted to go, she sent me the makeup she had planned to do for it because she had been so excited. is that platonic? maybe? i think it is. i chose a very complicated crush to have... shes questioning if shes aromantic or not since shes never really had a crush before, so who even knows if shes even capable of liking people in the first place, let alone liking girls. ive never had a crush on a straight girl before, but i guess theres a first time for everything.

anyways, the aquarium itself was small but it was very pretty - i liked walking around the water tunnels and looking at all the fish swimming overhead. the water made patterns on everything below it, and it was really nice and peaceful if you could manage to ignore the children screaming their heads off the entire time. after i finished the aquarium i spent a while on the pier just looking at the ocean and the boats, and then wandered around a little bit. i got some cool scorpian earrings from one store, and did a little more window shopping after getting some ice cream. i started feeling pretty wiped at some point since i still didnt sleep GREAT before and ive been Out for over 24 hours, so i took a train back home and rotted into the couch for a little while. its sunday evening now and i have another week of work awaiting me, but im glad that i had a fun weekend and got a bit of a break in before the final push.

08252023

im soooooo tired of tumblr and social media....i feel like it used to be a place i could be more "myself" but i ended up creating a bit of a persona within the circles i got into and now im stuck in the same situations i find myself in in real life. im naturally a very bubbly and extroverted person so i can put out a good first impression, but then i feel pressured to act that way forever. it gets to the point where if i try to act serious or enforce a boundary it feels very harsh when compared to the attitude everyone is used to.

it doesnt help that a lot of the time my real personality IS quite harsh. my actual emotional range is pretty volatile and i get bored and impatient really easily. i have a mask on that constantly shows my shiny and sparkly side, but internally it feels like im just rocketing around. i meet someone and immediately get up in their business, and then they say something boring and i Want to immediately drop it and leave but thats Rude so now im stuck talking to them. sometimes im fine and then get hit with a rush of digust for people and it feels painful to keep interacting with everyone. before i got good at self control, i would drop and become rude really fast. even some of my good moods arent good around people - i get into moods where think its extremely entertaining to annoy people and be as dramatic as possible. its something i usually conceal these days, especially when most of the people i interact with are ~career conntections~ but internally. i am a cat knocking shit off your desk to watch you get mad. obviously this is a really really bad way to make and keep friends and i do like people most of the time, so its just kind of an unfortunate fact that i must often hide large aspects of my personality. people always say be yourself until your true self is genuinely pretty unpleasant to be around.

its not really self hatred.... i have a pretty good self image and theres plenty of things about me that i like. i just know that at my core, a lot of my instincts and quirks are pretty incompatible with getting along with people. it would be easier if i could live my life with everyone disliking me, but. there are plenty of people that i do like to hang around, even if i do have to put on a bit of an act for them. my goal is to try to figure out ways of staying silly and cartoonish but allowed to drop the act and be taken seriously sometimes. in the meantime, i dont think very many people will ever even see these words and theres nothing stopping me from bitching alone in this corner. i just wish humans didnt have so many rules for how you have to act to be allowed to take part in society!!!!

08242023

I don't actually have a lot to say right now, just trying to get this up and running. I do find it funny I spend nine hours at work trying hard to procrastinate coding and using the computer and then I go home to code and use the computer these days. It's about the principle of it all.